We started school again on Monday. This year holds a first for me - I am schooling FIVE kids in FIVE different grades. Unlike what my preference would be - I wasn't able to send my little blessings off to school for another year of peaceful growth. Yes, you read that right. I am not not one of the homeschool moms that loves homeschool. It is brutal and excruciating, and I only do it because I feel like it's right for our kids, not because I WANT to. I am glad there are some mothers out there who like homeschooling. We need those women, but we also need you to try and understand where we are coming from. And those who dislike homeschooling might feel validated and seen by this post. :)
It's humbling to admit that I'm at the breaking point every single day.
It's humiliating to admit that a week of homeschooling has so thoroughly kicked my butt that I'm unable to go to church on Sunday.
It's excruciating to admit that I am so exhausted after merely five days of intense interacting with five kids, that I can't even sleep soundly.
I am not good at multitasking. When I start a task, I finish it. So to have to stop what I'm doing with one child, and help another child, and then deal with the resulting emotional explosion, because - What in the world - I give direction on how to find the answer instead of spoon-feeding the child the answer to the problem they are dealing with, and then having to step into deep water over my head to wrap my mind around my high schoolers science question; well. Yeah. Words escape me.
I think the hardest thing for me is navigating the relationship with my kids as their EVERYTHING. They have interactions with other adults, but I am their teacher AND their mother, and it puts an extra strain on our relationship that I don't believe was meant to be there. Women aren't SUPPOSED to have this heavy of a load on them. Through history, families have tended to work together, living on a farm or running a family business together. The father leaving and the mother staying behind with the kids, hasn't been historically normal. Homeschooling hasn't been normal either - we used to have one room schoolhouses where the atmosphere was wholesome. America has institutionalized schools. But I guess I am getting off on a bunny trail here.
Through the turmoil and back pain and headaches, I feel an immense peace. This is more than I expected. I believe that this is God's way of affirming to me that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I've had questions about this homeschooling decision for quite a few years - wishing there was another answer. But the peace and mental quiet amidst what would normally tear me apart, has shown me that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. Yes, this is humbling and humiliating and excruciating. But. BUT. Through it all I feel an outpouring of His grace and peace. Through it all I grab the moments that are sweet.
Working through a hard grammar labeling section with my ninth grader. Sharing a smile when it's finally done, and he strides off like the teenager he is, usually saying something funny or smart in parting.
Dictating sentences to my seventh grader. Teasing him when he gets a word wrong, and soaking in his quirky grin when he has to erase a word AGAIN, but so proud that he's making progress.
A soft smile from my fourth grader when she informs me that she did two math lessons today, as she works on forming her cursive letters perfectly, looking pleased by how impressed I am.
Listening to my second grader reading her words so well, when just six months ago she was in despair that she would never be able to read - and now she's figuring out words like a pro.
Seeing the vibrant joy of my kindergartener as he learns his ABC's and soaks in all the new information like a sponge. And the absolute excitement at the news that his math book is on the way.
Moments like this is what makes it worth it - and helps me live each day without thinking about the next. Homeschooling is hard. But that's ok. Hardship is where we grow.
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