End of an Era

I've been in a bit of a haze the last three weeks. My Grandpa left us to be with Jesus on April 9th.  I have not been allowing myself enough moments to process and grieve, and as a result, the fog thickens.   I am hoping that allowing myself to crawl back into my memories for a little while will help to dispel some of the fog. 

I've had multiple best friends through the years... my childhood best friend, my cousin best friend, my adult best friend, my soulmate best friend. But the one person that was my best friend through all of the years of best friends - was my Grandpa. As a little girl, I remember taking Grandpas big hand, and leading him along, jabbering about my toy horses and telling him all about my cats and fussing about my brothers. He mostly listened. He had the most gentle. husky voice and his laugh is forever burned into my memory. He had a little raspy chuckle he would do in response to my chattering, and that chuckle always told me that he was listening. 

One time, when my family still lived in Florida, I grabbed an umbrella and asked Grandpa to come with me into the deluge pounding the earth outside. He agreed, and held the umbrella for me while I crouched beside puddles and played with my little toy horses in the sandy puddles. 

Another time, I heard Grandpa telling my dad how much he enjoyed sitting beside me in church, because when he didn't know a song, he could just listen to me singing and follow along. And what little girl doesn't like hearing this kind of thing? :)  He also made dollhouses for his three granddaughters, and when I saw it for the first time, I just looked at it in awe and told Grandpa, "It's way nicer than I thought it would be." And what Grandpa doesn't want to hear this? He was pretty pleased. :) 

Since they came often, I have so many good memories of Grandpa and Grandma visiting us in Florida. Grandpa always drove Dodge vehicles, and they would drive his green truck down, pulling their little popup trailer and they would set it up in our yard. I would stumble out there early in the morning and no matter how early I got up, they were always already up - drinking their coffee. They gave me Hershey Nuggets and hot chocolate, and we would sit and sip in companionable silence - until my little brothers discovered the morning tradition, and then happy chatter was added to the morning routine. 

One year my Grandparents invited my parents and all us kids to go out west with them. It was amazing, and hearing Grandpas stories about when he visited Yosemite with my Grandma years ago, was what planted the travel-bug seed in my soul.  We drove west through Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, and into Texas. We drove through the Saguaro Cactus park and Big Bend state park. We crossed into New Mexico, hitting Carlsbad Caverns, White Sands National Park, and Rock Hound state park. Grandpa even paid for my oldest brother and I to take a  sunset ride into the desert on horseback. 

As I grew, our bond deepened. He saw that I needed someone in my corner and he decided to fill that role. When I was old enough to write comfortably (Around 1998), I began writing him letters. They were silly, childish missives at first, but he answered each one with his own handwritten letter at first, and then later, as my letters grew in volume, he began typing out his letters to me. Since he didn't actually type, he used his two pointer fingers and labored long over those letters! Eventually our letters morphed into emails. 

When I was 15, my parents packed up and moved from Florida. We stayed with my Grandparents for a year while my dad and older brothers got a driveway put into our property in Virginia. That was the hardest year of my life, because my childhood best friend was still in Florida - and she was my all. I was crushed, and of course hormones are crazy for teenagers, so it was an incredibly hard time for me.  But my Grandpa saw how hard it was for me and he found little ways to make the transition easier. He gave me jobs to buy nice furniture for my dollhouse. He got a horse game for his computer just for me - since he had hunting and racing games for the boys he figured it was only fair.  He always had time for me when I needed to talk or to just sit together in the mornings with our coffee. He and Grandma were always ready to welcome me into their early morning time to watch the sunrise together. I still remember the peace that enveloped me in those moments. I drink coffee today because Grandpa got me started on it. 

When we moved out of Grandpa and Grandma's house and into Virginia, There was an hour between us, but we still went and visited them often.  When I got my drivers license, I would spend several weekends a month with them, and they often told me that they absolutely loved having me come and spend time with them.  It was on one of these weekends that I was down and out, telling Grandpa about how  none of my dreams ever came true, because I had wanted a horse since I could walk, and here I am, 18, and no horse yet. He was silent for a beat and then he said, "You know what. I'm going to get a horse."  I looked at him in shock and he nodded firmly.  He took me along to choose one, and we settled on a beautiful seal brown three year old Racking Horse gelding.  Mocha was the highlight of my life for two summers! 

When I found a youth group that I actually connected with, of course I told Grandpa about that. He was happy I finally had a social life, and encouraged me to be brave and to be myself.  And when he found out about this young man, Gary, at the youth group that I couldn't get my mind off of, but it was hopeless because Gary wouldn't even talk to me!  Grandpa was quite gleeful about that and told me I needed to just start flirting with him and wink across the room a couple times to get him snagged. He had a naughty giggle that he did when he suggested nefarious things - I can still hear it.  A year after I first noticed Gary, Grandpa and Grandma were the first people I told when Gary called and asked my dad for permission to pursue a relationship with me. 

When Gary and I married in 2010, Grandpa went through a hard transition since my life had changed so drastically and I wasn't as good about keeping in touch.  And each child that was born after that was more transitions as I got busier and busier.  It was hard on him because we were pals for so long, and he was my first choice for so long. He would express sorrow for the lack of communication in one email., and then often several hours later he would email again and apologize, and express his delight that my dreams were realities and thank me for my friendship. 

I look back on those emails he sent me as I got busier and busier with little kids and a cross country move, and realized he was probably dealing with the same emotions of grief I dealt with when I received my last email from him in 2022. He had suffered multiple strokes at this point, and after his next stroke, he wasn't able to figure out computers anymore. We still talked on the phone occasionally, but it was hard for him to hear - so most of our conversations had to be done in person. Those visits were few and far between and that eats at me now. I wish I could have lived right next door to him and been able to talk to him every day.  Realizing now what he must have been feeling as his little pal grew up and her life shifted and the miles grew between - my heart twists and my eyes burn with pain. I wish I had done better. But it's comforting to me to know that he knew I did the best I could - and he was proud of me. Always proud of me. and Proud of Gary for choosing me.  He and Gary developed a close relationship over the years and I thoroughly enjoyed seeing that. 

And now Grandma's best friend is gone. She and Grandpa's relationship always inspired me. And now she is alone - and she is remembering all those years they had together and missing him more acutely every day than even I can imagine - and my heart breaks a little bit every time I think about it. She is such a gem of a lady and I want to be like her when I grow up.  

I understand the phrase now. "Heaven is a little sweeter". Yes. because Grandpa will be there waiting, and I will be able to hear his husky chuckle again, as he hugs me and welcomes me Home.